Subtle Lines: Sexuality
The Dance
Being drawn throughout the same time, another subtle line, even more elusive for me than gender, was sexuality. I can’t say for sure when I first had sexual thoughts or feelings. I do know when I first had feelings of fondness for a girl in my third-grade class. Even as I think of those feelings now, they were those of simple delight and curiosity. It felt fun and enlivening to be around her. So much so that I conjured up a plan to invite her to my house on Parkway one afternoon with the intention of getting her to teach me how to dance. I don’t remember all the details of how the date came to fruition, but I do remember dancing around in my room a bit and then lying down together on my bean bag and kissing.
I don’t have memories of my thoughts or feelings during these brief moments. But I do remember that they were short lived as my mother came in with, I’m sure, a beautifully arranged tray of vegetables and other snacks. Next thing I knew I was seated on the ottoman in front of my father in the living room. I don’t recall what he said, or if he said anything. But I remember taking this young girl home in the rain and watching as her grandfather came out to our car stoically with his umbrella to walk her inside. I wondered if he somehow knew that I had kissed his granddaughter and was upset with me.
For some reason, the whole experience remained with me as a somber one. I’m not sure why I don’t remember more of what my parents said or did, or why I cast most of the evening in a gloomy light.
I’ve speculated that if my folks had been more upbeat about my bold and yet vulnerable trial run with this member of the opposite sex, I would have had more gumption and confidence to explore more often and with others. If my father had said, “Atta a boy!” would I not have had more positive memories of the experience and sufficient inspiration to keep on dancing, metaphorically speaking?
Or, is this just a story I tell myself as a means of externalizing the real reasons I felt the afternoon ended dour?
At this point of my account anyway, I think it’s sufficient to say that for whatever reason, I did not advance confidently in future and similar experiences with women. And from my childhood perspective, it all got even more complicated. There seemed to be more and more precepts concerning how boys were to interact with girls.
*Thanks for reading and/or listening. Continue to next post Sexuality continued...Lions & Tigers & Sex, oh my! To read from the beginning please go to Why I'm Writing.
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