Sexuality continued...
Lions & Tigers & Sex, oh my!
I remember one night as I had aged a couple more years, coming upon a scene in a T.V. sitcom where the male and female characters ended up in bed together with the covers pulled up to their necks. They were kissing, making passionate sounds, and moving around closely together. My mom said something like, “You know a man and woman should wait to do these kinds of things until after they are married.” I know now that she obviously meant have sexual intercourse, but at the time I thought she meant one should wait until after matrimony to lie close to a woman in bed.
I feel fairly certain as well that abstinence was also the preferred teaching emphasized in our fifth-grade public education talk on puberty and sexuality. Although I do recall brief segments on the use of the condom, diaphragm, and other products and strategies, I must have thought these options were for further down the maturation road, to be used only after a couple was in love and married.
There was also a persuasive philosophical perspective slowly seeping into my psyche, raising sex from not only a sensitive human concern, but that of spiritual significance as well. From Adam and Eve, to Mary and Joseph, sex was a special bestowal from God to be shared by a man and woman, within marriage, for the human propagation of the earth. (Apparently, Mary became pregnant with a son before she and Joseph were married. But this was all okay because they hadn’t actually had sex.)
Not only was there this sacred quality of sex within the Christian denomination I was privy to, but there was also this underlying theme of selflessness. To be a follower of Jesus was to forsake one’s personal desires in order to be of service to Christ and others. Part of the definition of love itself, as noted by the Apostle Paul, was that love is not self-seeking and does not insist on its own way.
Compounding to the gravity of these familial, societal, and religious views was also this southern milieu of male gentility blended with something akin to chivalry. Whether from family, secular or religious teaching, or something in the cultural waters, I started to feel this responsibility to be both respecter and protector of women. Somehow, I learned that men were supposed to open doors for women and girls, and walk on the sidewalk closest to the street to protect them from rogue cars or other runaway vehicles. I never was really sure how I would protect them from these motorized dangers.
Women also seemed to have certain privileges and power, per some of the statements I heard other men make about their wives and mothers. Like, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” And, “Boy, I learned early in my marriage that my wife is always right.” These kinds of statements made me feel that there was a general expectation to honor and please women, from our mothers, teachers, girlfriends and later our wives. And we should always strive not to upset them, intentionally or otherwise, which felt like a lot of pressure to me.
I was also trying to exude a certain amount of confidence and dare I say sophistication and ease in my relationships with girls my own age. I had a number of girlfriends, or rather friend girls, from elementary school on. But I never again mustered the same initiative, much less ease, that I at least tell myself I possessed back on Parkway Boulevard on that previous rainy evening. How could I, I ask myself even now? In my mind, there were way too many rules and too much at stake.
*Thanks for reading and/or listening. Continue to next post Sexuality continued...A Serious Business. To read from the beginning of my memoir please go to Why I'm Writing.
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