Patience
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” Rainer Maria Rilke
In an effort to be more patient with the unresolved parts of my heart around my sexual orientation, I decided to let myself have more fun, not overthink, and make the most of whatever time I had left in Vermont. As the snow finally melted and the days grew warmer, and as my semester classes came to a close, I joined my duplex mates for a bike ride on the 14-mile Burlington Island Line Trail.1 We rode north along Lake Champlain, with the Adirondack Mountains visible in the distance. Crossing the Winooski River, we rode up to Causeway Park and out onto the Lake Champlain Causeway, a narrow path built on marble and granite blocks originally used by trains around the turn of the 20th century and now converted into a recreation path. It felt like we were riding on the lake itself.
On the way back, we passed through the quiet neighborhoods of the New North End, then followed paved trails south along Highway 127 to the green fields of the Ethan Allen Homestead.2 From there, we looped through the trails of the Intervale Community Farm3 before returning to our duplex on Harrison Avenue, where the bike path runs alongside Lakeside Park. The ride, a perfect blend of nature and city, left us energized and connected. It reminded me of those days as a child, riding my bike with autonomous abandon along Parkway Blvd.
Around this time, I also treated myself to a James Taylor concert at the art deco Flynn Theater4 in downtown Burlington. I stood with sociable strangers in a standby line for hours, excited at the chance to see one of my favorite musicians live. That evening, as James’ soothing voice filled the theater, I felt a deep sense of joy, a reminder of the power of music to ease and uplift one’s spirit.
In mid-summer, my parents visited from Mississippi, and I created an itinerary for them that I called “Rest & Renewal in Vermont: A Week of Simple and Satisfying Living.” We spent time exploring Burlington and nearby areas, including Plattsburg, New York, where my dad had lived for a couple of years when my grandfather was stationed there as a military officer. The highlight of the week was a magical evening at the outdoor classical concert, Brahms on the Bay, held on the grounds of the Shelburne Farms Inn.5 We enjoyed a picnic as the sun set over Lake Champlain, with the music filling the warm evening air.
As the summer wound down, I joined one of my roommates for a weekend trip to his family’s lake cabin in New York. The stillness of the water and the quiet of the woods contributed to the sustained sense of enjoyment I had experienced throughout the summer season. It was during this trip that his mom, a nurse practitioner, shared with me her insights on mind/body medicine, stress reduction, and meditation. She knew I was diabetic and that I was searching for a more balanced and healthy way of living, both personally and professionally. Her sharing planted seeds of possibility, encouraging me to begin considering how I might align my health needs with my professional interests.
Around the same time, an old friend from divinity school and my hometown of Meridian reappeared in my life. He had been doing a chaplaincy internship at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center in Lebanon, New Hampshire, and spoke in ways that echoed what my roommate’s mom had shared. He described the hospital’s whole-person approach to care, focusing on the mind, body, and spirit of patients and staff alike. His reflections sparked thoughts about whether hospital chaplaincy might offer a path forward for me — combining meaningful vocational work with my personal experiences with health and wellness.
I had completed Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) at Duke Medical Center the summer after divinity school. It was an intense experience, especially working on the oncology unit and with critical care patients. But I had also valued the small group learning with other chaplaincy students and the deep self-reflection that chaplaincy training encouraged.
I began to wonder if a place like Dartmouth Hitchcock, with its progressive approach to healthcare, might offer the structure and safety I needed to explore more of my true self among trusted colleagues. Perhaps it could help me find a way back into a vocation where I could fully express who I was while using my strengths and interests to serve others in a meaningful way.
*Thanks for reading and/or listening. Please join me for more next week. To read from the beginning go to Why I'm Writing.
Have thoughts, questions, or feedback? Please comment — it means a lot to hear from you on this mostly solitary and introspective writing journey that I’m on.
Such an interesting journey. Thanks for sharing!