Get Busy Living
“I guess it comes down to a simple choice really. Get busy living. Or get busy dying.” Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption
I wasn’t prepared for the words of a carpenter friend, whose wife was undergoing treatment for cancer at the time. He was so impressed by the holistic and comprehensive care that she was receiving from her health care providers. One of the elements he was most impressed by was their emphasis on the importance of stress management for anyone dealing with a chronic condition. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Jason, you’re really going to need to manage your own stress going forward.” His words pierced me. I’d never even thought that much about stress up to that point. But I knew at that moment that I was stressed and had been for many years as I used so much of my energy, my life force really, to suppress and submerge my sexual orientation.
If diabetes was a wake-up call for me to offer myself more self-care, this message from my friend had an equally profound impact. From his words came an almost metaphysical knowing that I must now address the single greatest stressor of my life. In fact, I heard the voice of Morgan Freeman from the movie The Shawshank Redemption saying the words of Tim Robbins’ character, Andy Dufresne, “I guess it comes down to a simple choice really. Get busy living. Or get busy dying.” On some level I felt like I’d been doing the latter for years. Now was the time to start living again and to do that I was going to have to keep taking steps to more fully experience and accept my sexual orientation.
One of the earliest steps I took was to muster the courage to tell one of my closest friends. It was hard. Having spent a whole weekend visiting with her, it took me until the end of our visit to utter the words, “I’m pretty sure I’m gay.” It was scary, all at once, stepping over and outside the darkest and boldest line that had held me in for so long. And it felt risky too. It wasn’t like I could cross back over after sharing this intimate detail about myself. And yet it felt immediately as if it was worth it.
I’d had a recurring dream for a while that I was swimming under the surface of the cold dark ocean. There was a certain safety and peace about it, although I knew I couldn’t breathe. And at this point of the dream, I would swim to the top and break the surface to discover that although the waves were thunderous around me, my body bobbing up and down wherever they moved me, the sun was shining and I had a feeling of hope. I could breathe. And this is how it felt to tell my friend.
It was also somewhat mystical to me that a friend of hers called while we were together. I didn’t know this guy very well. But I knew he was gay. I had my friend ask him if I could talk with him sometime. He said yes. I was excited. And I was moving forward.
*Thanks for reading and/or listening. Continue to next post Turning Point. To read from the beginning please go to Why I'm Writing.
Have thoughts, questions, or feedback? Please comment — it means a lot to hear from you on this mostly solitary and introspective writing journey that I’m on.